On Getting the Friend Card, and Keeping It

Once again, I've returned with an essay I wrote for English. Not surprisingly, I don't remember writing this one either, but I got it back today and read it over. I found it hilarious, and yes, I'm tooting my own horn, but whatever. I didn't think I could be so funny =). It's a process analysis piece, so we were supposed to guide/instruct the reader on how to do something that we would choose. I decided to throw in my own little spin by making it a satirical piece while doing whatever the assignment required. Enjoy, and don't mind the little notes to my teacher about the number 13. There's a story behind that.

I have been blessed with a talent since 7^th grade, and it has recently begun to wear off, so I feel the need to pass on my wisdom before it’s too late. Now boys, if you really take this to heart, you, too, will be able to receive what you have, without a doubt, always wanted: the friend card.

Now, before you moan and groan about the friend card, ensure that you know exactly what it is. The glorious friend card is a card that will be presented to you by a female friend informally and indirectly through interactions and words. This metaphorical card represents the potential of your relationship with this female friend.

Once received, you may never get involved with this female friend (i.e. ask her on a date). However, you do receive all the perks of the platonic friendship! All those special perks that you never received from the other four hundred “friends” you have on Facebook! You will finally get the opportunity to spill your heart to this girl about all the affairs you have in your life: namely, all those other female acquaintances who have also given you the friend card. You will have someone to attend to whenever they need you, someone to spend your valuable time on because she just needs some time away from her boyfriend who isn’t treating her properly.

Now, to actually accomplish the task and get that treasured friend card, you have to find a girl between the ages of 13 and 17 (and yes, Ms. Nelson, I said 13),and first thing you do when you meet her is compliment her. Tell her you like her scarf or her highlights. The more you compliment her on first encounter, the more you’ll send the signs that you want her (to give you the friend card, that is). She’ll know she can always come to you for compliments when she’s down.

Next, you want to make sure she has your phone number so she can call you when she needs to. To really make sure you get the friend card, enter your number into her phone yourself. Edit the name so that it says something cute, like “AnKiT My bFf!” In my history, I’ve never done anything like that, but it sounds like it would work. They would definitely get the message that you were not, by any means, looking for anything past friendship.

This next step you should take with caution, for girls with an older mindset may actually find this attractive (meaning they want something past friendship, which you obviously do not want), as I myself am learning now. Listen to her when she talks to you, even when she rambles about her problems. Provide her with mature advice that actually works. Draw on your previous experience. Younger girls (especially those around 13) will want you even more as a friend because you help them maintain sanity during their relationships with their jerk boyfriends who do not listen to them, do not provide them with comfort, and therefore do not get the friend card. Older girls, on the other hand, may see this as a sign of maturity and may see long term potential with an intelligent guy such as yourself, but you want to make sure that doesn’t happen because you wouldn’t want to get involved in that sort of relationship.

Forgetting to give this girl attention whenever she calls for it and sometimes when she doesn’t will most likely revoke the friend card. Ignoring her requests for attention may make her wonder what you are doing that is so important, and that may lead to her gaining interest in you. Do not let that happen.

Take these steps and precautions, and you’ll have that friend card in the bag. Trust me, you can never get enough of the friend card, so feel free to practice this method on as many girls as you meet. You really can never hear girls vent enough about their boyfriends. It really gives you that great feeling that you are not her boyfriend. Maintain these habits, my friend, and you will live your life a celibate. All your guy friends are going to be SO jealous of all your female friends (not to be mistaken with girlfriends).

I hope you at least cracked a smile because I cannot stop laughing right now.

P.S. I've been fully raw foodist since Saturday (except for a smalll nonraw dinner on Saturday, but still.) Feeling good =)