One-upping the next man

It's weird that sometimes, the things I think about most are those that I have least to say about, so I don't know how much this will hit home, but hopefully you can resonate with this in the slightest bit:

We have a very natural tendency of comparing ourselves to others in that we need to one-up the next person in most scenarios. It's not easy to get rid of this mentality. If someone's flattering someone else behind their back, people, including myself, will agree and add a small bit about how great that person is, then they'll throw in a quick, subtle word about something they're doing that's great too (which will often be followed up by a downplaying of that great facet of him/herself to seem modest and totally). If that was at all familiar to you (be honest with yourself), realize two things:

1. That habit will not change any time soon. It's normal, but...
2. You can start being more cognizant of the habit. Realize when you're doing it. Take note of it.

What will that do for you? Naturally, you'll turn it down. You'll realize that there's little to no beneficial reason to throwing in that bit about yourself because, even when you're trying to add a little bit of cred to your rep, you're not the focus during that portion of the conversation so either your two cents about yourself was overlooked OR it was noticed and the person who noticed is fully aware of why you threw in that comment.

It's not that you're uncomfortable flattering other people. You probably don't have anything against the person that's being talked up at the time. It's probably because you crave that positive reinforcement too. However, the more you're aware of it, the more able you'll be able to embrace the positives of everyone else around you without needing others to acknowledge you so much.

Just a thought. Not sure if it made too much sense, but if you didn't get it, chances are it doesn't apply to you. If you do though, definitely try to be more aware of it. I do it all the time. I would say, "I wish I didn't," but why would you regret anything? I don't like to waste my energy on ish like that :).

Love you,

Ankit

P.S. Sample dialogue where the above takes place:

1: Yeah, I saw person X at the gym the other day. Did you have any idea they're in such great shape? I had no idea he was so fit!

2: Mmhm, he's in really great shape. He started talking to me about working out a few months back and I gave him some tips about working out and whatever. It's really great that he's doing so well now.

Curiosity

I love when people ask questions. So many times, they'll preface it with, "Sorry I'm bothering you, but..." and all I can think is how great it is that they're interested in whatever they're asking about. Most people hear about something, they'll ask one or two questions, hesitate, and then stop asking because they don't want to seem like (1) a nuisance or (2) they're obnoxious and interrogatory.

Now, there are situations when you don't want to ask too much, like if you're talking to a superior (in a formal setting), but conversationally with peers, it's the coolest thing to ask questions. Some people are trained to respond and think, "Why is s/he being so inquisitive/nosy? That's weird." But in situations like that, I think it best to think a little more of yourself than what others are thinking of you.

Curiosity is often regarded as a childlike quality, but really, it's the quality that connects people to their passions. Unless you ask questions, you're never going to know if you're actually into something someone else is doing or not. One of my good friends asks questions like its her job, and she gets that her understanding of something is cursory, at best, if she's not asking. She's one of the most thorough people I know when it comes to her thought process, and I would say a large amount of credit is due to the fact that she's curious.

I don't think curiosity is a quality that just some people have. I think everyone has it; it's just a matter of who is too self-conscious to ask questions versus who doesn't give a shit and just wants to learn. I prefer the latter. I was part of the former group before I got into raw foods, simply thinking that it was a crazy diet that wasn't worth my time. I don't know what sparked my interest, but I finally grew a pair and asked some people some questions, and that started a domino effect that would've never happened otherwise.

Next time someone talks to you about something unfamiliar, ask a few questions. It may or may not be worth your while, but you would never know otherwise.

Love you,

Ankit

Socrates' bust was kinda ugly, but his method was pretty stellar.

Love Your Heart Out

A friend asked me if I loved her once, and I had trouble saying yes because in my head, the only people I loved were my family, my cousins, and a few of my boys that I held close enough to me to call them my brothers.

That was a stupid response. That was a trained response. That was a response that came from thinking that I was supposed to keep my love exclusive.

After some thought and some perspective from various bloggers (a lot of inspiration from Jason Mraz), I'v realized that all you can do is love. Having different magnitudes for how much you like someone and creating a line between "like" and "love" just makes appreciation harder. It makes it harder to connect genuinely. If you keep it at love (not to mention, staying away from "dislike," or "hate"), all you want to do is make the most of your relationships.

I'm slowly becoming a great believer in love. That love that Jason Mraz so effectively describes:

The greatest love imaginable: That Love that dwells inside us all,That Love that makes us so, That Love that makes us all connected whether we believe in it or not.

I'm trying to remind people of that love at the end of my conversations. Whether it be on the phone, on AIM, or in person, it leaves the person thinking - "Wait, did he just say, 'I love you'? Huh. That was kinda nice."

It's weird for me too, but I think it's kinda nice.

Love,
Ankit

A heart? Kind of? It's the thought that counts. I'm trying!

Disclaimer!

I was talking to a friend of mine tonight about fitness and the more superficial results of it (i.e. defined bod and the like), and naturally, I got into talking about the pleasing consequences of getting back into a 5-/6-day-a-week fitness routine with track and got into the specifics. Then, I started drawing back from the conversation because I took note of the slightly arrogant air I was producing by talking about having a relatively cut figure.

To this, my friend responded: "I feel like we've all trained ourselves to preface everything we say with a disclaimer. Sometimes that's necessary, but I wish it wasn't."

I wrote about this in my moleskine in February and never ended up blogging about it, but true honesty comes in a form without disclaimers. Try to stop justifying yourself before you say things. Try to stop turning back after saying things. These disclaimers we put out there before presenting ourselves are a convenient and unfortunate method we use to to deny ourselves our true selves. In other words, we're lying to ourselves.

The most frequent word used when justifying ourselves is most likely "but." Chill with the but.

But while chillin', stay real,
Ankit

Complaining

I guess this post would serve as somewhat of a supplement to the last one. Complaining is one of the most common and most intolerable of negative expressions. The way I see it, there are two types of complaining: (1) complaining for the sake of complaining and letting out a frustrating situation, and (2) complaining about a situation that can be remedied but without much thought into what those remedies could possibly be.

To solve the first type, you need more sources of positive energy. It's key to understand that there is light in even the darkest situations and that things happen for a reason. Although not immediately apparent, the universe is functioning on your side. This isn't religious talk. This is understanding the goodness of the world as a whole. Sure, there are always the occasional outliers, but it's your job to look past them, towards the greater light.

For the second type, we need to start realizing that we drain our energy (while creating more negativity) by complaining. When you encounter an unfortunate situation, you've GOT to stop thinking "Aw, man." You've GOT to stop thinking, "Wow, fml." You've GOT to stop thinking, "Why does this always happen to me?"

What you actually have got to start doing is thinking, "Okay. I accept the situation as it is. I understand the past has passed, and the only time I have is the present. Now, what do I do?"

Only you have the ability to change a sitaution. In Kanye West's book of "Kanye-isms," Thank You and You're Welcome, he says something along the lines of "Stop complaining if you don't offer a solution," and I think that's the essence of what I'm trying to convey. Instead of complaining about all the flaws in a situation, offer fixes. Think about improvements.

While only you have the ability to change your situation, you're also the only person with the ability to choose whether or or not you complain.

Much love,
Ankit

The Magnitude of Negativity

When I went to Spain on a school trip a little more than a month ago, I got in trouble for making mischief and a few of the teachers on the trip weren't entirely pleased with me. To an extent, I lost a bit of their respect, and for me, that was a very, very big deal. It hit me hard to know that it was so much easier to lose respect than to gain it, so this was a really rough ordeal for me. The result? The entire night at dinner one night, I was quiet. I didn't really say a word. All I could think about was how much I blew it and how things weren't going to be the same because I made myself look stupid. A great friend of mine reminded me that everyone noticed my upset nature, and he told me, in a totally straightforward and respectable manner, that it was making it hard for him to enjoy the night. He had no reason to be upset, but my negativity was radiating -- the same negativity that was stemming from fear of what was the come in the future instead of simply accepting things as they are in the present (and that any respect I was to redeem after the incident would only come with my actions, not thought).

I spent about fifteen or so showers since then thinking about negativity and what its purpose was. There's only so many excuses one can make for being negative until he realizes that it really doesn't make sense. You can be negative, but that's not improving a situation. Action and thought about positives and potential solutions improves situations. Not only that, but I've noticed, unfortunately, that negativity radiates with greater strength than positivity. I wish I could say that positivity was stronger, but we have a natural tendency towards negativity (whether it be in the form of complaining, gossiping, pouting, etc.). That said, it's important to make a conscious effort to remind yourself of the positives of a situation.

At the time, I thought there was zero positive in my ordeal. Then I thought a little harder, and this was really one of the first challenges I've ever encountered in regaining something intangible that I lost. If I saw it as an unfortunate struggle, as I did for a while, yeah, it would've sucked. Now, the positive interactions I have with these teachers makes me that much more grateful that I have the relationships I do with them.

As much as I like to embrace diverse perspectives, the one thing I have trouble tolerating is people who radiate negativity excessively. I try my best to avoid people like this so I don't have to condemn myself to what I put the people around me through at the dinner table in Spain. It's not worth my time. It's not worth their time. Out of respect for the people around you, smile a little bit.

Love,

Ankit

Totally dominating her negativity.

We're all students. We're all teachers.

Often times, I’ll wonder what the purpose of some of my relationships are. For me, relationships are a mutual agreement of usage. I use you. You use me. It’s only logical (and I’d rather be useful than be useless). Occasionally, I forget what I’m actually gaining from a relationship. Lately, what I've realized, in all our relationships, no matter how evident it may be, we’re all teachers and we’re all students.

Now, I'm not into formal education. I like my learning process to be as liberal as possible with emphasis on experiential learning, which is why I like to extract as much from my day-to-day interactions as possible. For a good portion of time this past few months, I lost interest in some of my relationships with some of the people that once played a prominent role in my life. Blind to the fact that I lost this interest, I began to notice the quality of my life decreasing - not because anything was changing, but because I began to lose the variety of perspective I was usually able to incorporate in my daily doings, that same variety of perspective that allows me to maintain a certain level of levity.

It took me a while to notice that I stopped communicating with the diverse group of people that I typically did, and thus, I made a conscious effort to re-incorporate that wide variety of people -- from the ridiculously school-focused type to the relaxed type to the skeptic to the person that just loves life. I used to think there were some types of people I just wanted to stay away from, but come to think of it, there's a reason we are forced in the same space as the people we are. We're meant to create learning experiences from new types of people.

Everyone plays a role in your life, just as you play a role in theirs. Disregard the significance or magnitude of that role, and just be you. Embrace your role. Embrace their role. Understand that we're all students and teachers at the same time.

Stay real,
Ankit

(Follow me on Twitter @ankitshah. Tumblr @ankittt.)